Using MI with Adolescents

Despite what you might think, working with teens is no different from working with anyone else. How so? Because they, like adults, just want to be heard. Yep. It's that darn simple...but not easy.

As we've learned in the previous pages, being heard is being understood without the contamination of judgment. Being understood validates our experience and creates a safe space to gain clarity and develop insight. That insight prepares us to make hard decisions and commit to positive change.

How To Use MI

When learning a new skill, don't we really want to know what it looks and sounds like? To answer that question, we ask you to consider your response to these two questions:

1. Who is that person in your life to whom you go when you struggle?
2. What about that person makes you want to go to them?

We suspect your answers will confirm what we already know: your go-to person is probably an authentic individual and a good listener. That's what MI looks and sounds like. Now, the question is: how do we manifest our authentic selves and offer the gift of listening? MI shows us the way through the following foundational steps.

Be Authentic

Authenticity is key in counseling with any person of any age. Being authentic is not rocket science, but it is also not easy.

Authenticity requires us to be humble, vulnerable, and brave. Being vulnerable requires that we tell the truth and keep it real. It requires that we be ourselves, not the expert, the surrogate parent, or the pseudo-friend. If we try to be pseudo anything,a teen will smell it like wet paint and banish us from further consideration. If we do not understand what the youth is trying to say, we need to say so. If we do not know the answer, we must admit it. If we feel afraid, sad, or unequipped, we must acknowledge that, too. Like the bear in the Brene Brown video on Empathy says, "I don't even know what to say right now. I'm just glad you told me." Letting go of notions of what we should say, be, or do is liberating.

Be Present

To illustrate the concept of presence, I share this story. Ulysses Doss, retired Professor of Humanities & Black Studies at the University of Montana, is known for the powerful presence he brought to the classroom and his encounters with students over the years. He was honored as the "Most Inspirational Professor," received many humanitarian accolades, and won his colleagues' and students' respect and affection. He was this writer's mentor. Years ago, he shared the intentional steps he employed before delivering a lecture or advising a student. Before entering the classroom or office, he would intentionally place his hand on the doorknob and mentally move personal matters and concerns to the side to be fully present, focusing on the class or person in front of him. Anybody lucky enough to have taken his class or been advised by him knows the power of presence. It's nourishing.

Be Quiet

Listen more, speak less. If you do speak, don't:

• Dismiss ("You shouldn't feel that way.").
• Advise ("What I think you should do is…")
• Talk about yourself ("If I were you, I'd…")

Use Your O.A.R.S.

The above acronym is designed to help you remember the following foundational counseling skills:

Ask Open-ended questions to help you understand the individual's perspective.

• "What about that situation do you find (scary, overwhelming, etc.)? Help me understand."
• "What is the worst that could happen? Help me understand."
• "What is the meaning of that for you? Help me understand."
• "What would it take for you to feel you could move forward? Help me understand."

Affirm the person's progress and validate their concerns.

• "I see that it's tough for you to talk about this. "Yet, here you are, doing just that. It says a lot about how strong you are."
  
• "I can understand your fear. Interviewing for a job can be overwhelming."
• "I understand your apprehension about hiring people with disabilities. There are many misconceptions out there. I'm here to share facts that may alleviate your concerns."

Reflect the person's words back to him/her to confirm your understanding or lack thereof. After reflecting what the individual said, it's always a good practice to verify the accuracy of your understanding.

• "You're feeling (insert emotion here) about (insert issue here). Do I understand correctly?
• "You'd love to work with children, but not adults. Is that correct?"
• "You really want to go to school to get a degree, but you're afraid you might fail." Is that correct?
• "You believe you're qualified for the job but worry that your disability might prevent you from getting past the interview." Is that right?

Summarize the gist of the meeting and the steps the person agreed to take to move forward. For a person who indicates that s/he is not ready to change, a summation may sound something like this:

• "Today we talked about your feelings of (insert feelings here) regarding (insert challenge or dilemma here). You're considering what would help you to make that change even though you're not ready right now. You didn't want to talk about this, yet you did. That's a great start. Before our next meeting, you said you would write down some reasons for change. That's a significant step. Did I leave anything out?

Pay Attention

• Focus on the person in front of you.
• Be curious.
• Imagine yourself in their shoes. Ask yourself: were I in that position, how would I feel?
• Observe the person's posture, manner of speech (volume, pitch, rate), and gestures. (Are they congruent with the words being said?)
• Observe your own feelings as they arise. Trust your body to help you understand the emotions beneath the person's words.

Believe in Others

Believe in the people you serve when they least believe in themselves and convey that belief:

• "I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I believe you'll get through this. I don't know when or how, but I know I'll be standing by your side. You're not alone."
• "I believe in your ability to make positive changes in your life. Others in your situation have done it, and I know you can do it, too."

Believe in yourself to be a vessel of understanding and encouragement. You're here in this moment for a reason.

The Goal of MI

If we employ the MI approach correctly, we should see youth who have tapped into their inherent wisdom to develop solutions, believe in their ability to make positive change, and have committed to a plan for change.